Searching for the Grail

.... Ah... but first we need to know what the Grail is....

For me the Grail is something that is missing, something I need for total inner peace and happiness... but it is missing and I feel the emptiness it leaves. It is like I am always waiting,.... but I don't know what for! I am fairly happy, I have had to be strong in my life to get to this point, but I am here. I have great kids whom I am very proud of. I love my goats and my home. I have my art and Tarot and all my other interests. I am never bored. There is no material thing that I need.. I have a few close and wonderful friends, I have a wonderful family including the world's best ever sister. I live a quiet, fairly hermit like existence by choice, because apart from traveling, I have found no other lifestyle that I connect with. I want to travel but now is not the time, I still have little people depending on me. One may be bigger than me but he still needs me!! So with all this why do I feel something is missing? Why do I wake and wonder what my life is about? What is this missing link between me and completeness....?

This morning I was inspired to read with my Victorian Romantic Deck for the first time, using some questions I found on Rowan Tarot.

The questions were inspired by Chretien de Troyes' Perceval: Story of the Grail

1. What is the lance that bleeds
2. What is the Grail
3. What can be the candelabra to light my quest

Queen of Swords, Strength and the Moon from Baba Studio's Victorian Romantic Tarot

Queen of Swords seems very appropriate for the lance that bleeds. especially this Queen of Swords with her sword jeweled with blood red stones. She looks wise, wisdom that belies her years. This queen looks like she can take on the world... in fact she reminds me of the Iceni queen, Boadicea who started an uprising against the Roman Invaders. Boadicea's country was what is now known as Norfolk on the East Coast of England. The very part of England where I spent the 15 years prior to coming to New Zealand. Mind you there are no mountains in Norfolk so this queen is obviously in another land... she does have the determination though, like she has to do it single handed.

This independence, having to cope, having to be strong has made me fairly tough, but maybe also too independent. I don't really know how to be with people or let them help, as I am so used to doing it all on my own. I find it extremely difficult to be feminine. She cuts through lies and bullshit.... with that sharp blade with no problem, it is not always easy to be this perceptive.  She looks tough and unfeeling, but I sense a lot of sadness behind those eyes. Like the song by The Who. This lady is the lance that bleeds indeed.

Strength... After the Queen of Swords it seems strength may be a little superfluous!  There is a woman in a den of lions... leastwise it looks like den, there is a grey stone wall which looks pretty  indestructible and the floor doesn't look as if it is outside at all. The lady is dressed in red, a colour of fire and of passion, echoed in the sun symbol at the bottom of her gown. She wears a bracelet like a slave bangle around her upper arm. Her dress and hairstyle are far too grand for a slave of course and the bracelet could also be a symbol of her husbands wealth. But slavery can take many forms, and is not always immediately evident. No doubting the strength in this card, calm against the storm, a strength born of gentleness and courage from within. This lady knows she is capable of controlling the lions by her own inner will and quiet. The lions look as if they are adoring her, accepting her as one of their own. Reminds me some of Living with Wolves again..!

Seems the Grail is courage, to face things I find frightening, to find inner strength and to believe in myself and trust myself totally. With courage comes freedom, and this reminds me of a line from another song, this one by the Eagles Already Gone.. and one line on particular:

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key

 To feel the freedom I want to feel, to travel, will take courage and inner strength. I will be trusting only in myself. I have done this before, when I came here to strange land with young children, and no one to rely on except me. But it is always easier to be strong for others than it is to be strong for oneself.

The Moon.... I laughed when I turned this card over! What card could possibly be more fitting to represent a candelabra than The Moon!! Except the moon on this card is hidden behind the clouds.
The female figure here is dressed in blue and combs her long hair, she is almost like a mermaid with the sea-like colours and flowing hair; the background is watery looking too. Her eyes gaze into the distance as if not quite of this world, but one beyond. On her head she wears the Crescent Moon of Diana or Artemis.. goddess of the hunt and the moon. She is a sorceress  and a huntress, she is enchanting like the Sirens and she has magic in her comb. The tower high on the hill in the background may have been where she once lived the hermit life of Rapunzel. This Moon card is so beautiful, mysterious... I love it! I have no fear of lunacy, fantasy or illusions that the Moon can bring to mind. I welcome this card. the Moon is my friend, the Moon is my nature.

Be myself, look inside for my wisdom, and be the huntress of my grail, my joy. There is no need to be afraid of the dark or the unknown.

Strength in the Shadows

Today's cards cover the energy of today and yesterday, as I didn't get to do a daily draw yesterday. I was trying to get some of my online work completed and Firefox kept crashing. I have tried everything but it is still crashing, have sent in reports but doubt I will hear anything. It's been happening constantly for the past 4 days, on many different sites. So.... I shall have to try either Chrome or Safari. Just checked and woohoo... I can get the Evernote Web Clipper for both these browsers :) I *LOVE* Evernote!

I feel very connected to the messages on today's two cards. From The Faerie's I drew Lys of the Shadows, and from Tarot of the Sweet Twilight I got Strength.

Lys of the Shadows, is a true light in the darkness, one of the Sidhe, whose energies can be used for good or for negative purposes. We as humans have the choice of how we use this assistance. The light coming from this faeries' person is gentle warming and healing.... which would give us a clue of the right way, but the Fey do not judge... free will is all, even when it goes wrong. All we can do is to shine a light on the right path, by example.

According to the book by Jessica Macbeth Lys of the Shadows appears when someone is ready to be healed... a lost soul to be found. Lys gets down among the needy folk and is not afraid to get her wings torn or her hands dirty, even though it may hurt her sometimes. In this instance I believe that I am being given the energy I need to help another soul in this world, whom I had almost given up on, to find the path back to who they were, before they got lost in the darkness. It feels far too big a job for me, but maybe I can help.  I feel this is how it is. I feel honored to have drawn this card today, when thoughts like this were already in my mind. I need that energy. Let me use it with the wisdom of the Fey. Thanks Faeries.

Lys of the Shadows - Faeries' Oracle, and Strength - Tarot of the Sweet Twilight

Strength from Tarot of the Sweet Twilight is the most wonderful card.... I think my favourite strength card so far. It has so many dimensions and truly conveys the meaning of strength as I see it. A woman faces a lion with his mouth open, teeth bared, she holds her mask away from her face so she is showing him her true self, her very inner being. Only when we are most ourselves, without pretense or pride can we be truly strong. Strength comes from a place deep within us, where the light is great enough to outshine fear, if we let it come through. So often I hear people who talk only through their Ego, not from who they really are, and I feel sad. It must be true bondage to be afraid to be you.

There is what looks like a very old stone Goddess figure in the background of this card, she carries two pots in perfect balance. She is the background, the roots of the strength of this female who looks into the eyes of fear without flinching. The strength of the female is in gentleness, not attack, in standing steadfast in the light of who you truly are. The Goddess shows the strength of women throughout time, the balance of energy. This wasn't achieved by trying to be like men, but by balancing their energies with ours. It seems so much of this wisdom has become lost in today's world.

One more character in this amazing card is Yoda ..the ancient wise Jedi Master from Star Wars. He appears here as an origami figure... another symbol of strength, the deceptive strength of paper, and a message that being small of stature is no judge of your true strength. The quotes below, from Yoda, all have a message relating to both the Strength card and Lys of the Shadows.

To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not. In this war, the danger there is, of losing who we are.

When you look at the dark side, careful you must be..... for the dark side looks back.

To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose.  Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night.

The Jedi use light sabres as their weapons, to cast light onto the dark, it all just goes so well with these two cards and their messages. It really feels like they came up at the exact right time, just when I needed to hear this advice.

These two cards also strongly relate to something else that has changed in my life too. Especially the shadowy side of Lys, which is bondage and addiction. I used to drink almost every day, maybe a glass of wine, maybe a bottle, or a beer or two... never heavy stuff but escape all the same. The past couple of months, not only have I not wanted to drink, I haven't been able to! It makes me feel nauseous and very unwell, depressed and out of control of my life. I just don't need to escape from my life right now... gotta be good!